Choose Wonder with Amber Rae

WORRY KILLS WONDER

From the outside, Amber’s life looked incredible: She’s smart, talented, beautiful, and connected with all sorts of influential people on both coasts. She’d been on the front page of the New York Times, had an impressive resume, and a growing social media audience…

But inside, she was full of worry.

Like many of us, she was using her success, her appearance, her resume, and romantic partners to give her the things she could not give herself… validation, love and approval.

She convinced herself that the stories she’d created in her head were true.

“If people really knew who I was, they’d know I’m not enough.”

“I can’t succeed. There are too many people out there who are better, more prepared, smarter, more qualified than you.”

“If I express my feelings I’m being needy or dramatic. Better to just keep them bottled up and not burden others.”

In her 20’s she had a boyfriend who told her, “I love you, but I can never tell you that again.”

Instead of asking, “Why can’t you ever tell me that again?” she lived in constant fear that if she did something wrong in the relationship, another man who loved her would up and leave. It would validate the fear that she had that she was unworthy of love.

She developed anorexia.

She stopped being herself.

"I was so afraid for him to see me for who I really am, because I thought that if he did, it wouldn't be enough."

She was so concerned about the approval of others that lived her life completely devoid of any sense of enjoyment or wonder. She was terrified to let down her guard. She was completely caught up in the fabricated reality created by believing stories in her head.

Her deeply-held belief in these untrue stories kept her feeling insecure, empty, and full of worry.

Can you relate?

WE ALL HAVE STORIES

We all have stories running through our heads that are holding us back, and keeping us from enjoying life. Here are some examples off the top of my head from my life and the lives of some people I know in my life:

“If I stop being sad about losing the love of my life, it must mean our love wasn’t special. I have to hold onto the pain and mourn forever.”

“If my kids suffer and I don’t suffer with them, it means I’m not a good parent.”

“If she found out I look at porn, she’ll see me as a fraud, a liar, and a failure as a husband/father.”

“If I express my pain or emotions, it makes me less of a man. I’ll lose the respect of my peers, partner, or children.”

“I’ve made too many mistakes to be forgiven and offered another chance.”

“If I can’t make everyone happy, I’m a failure as a woman.”

The list of stories we believe goes on and on… and the more we believe these stories, the more stress and pressure and strain and worry we put on ourselves, and the less we actually enjoy life.

It wasn’t until Amber asked herself some important questions found in Byron Katie’s work, which she calls, "The Work" that she was able to overcome her insecurities and addictions, and truly discover joy, happiness and wonder in her life.

Start by writing down the thoughts that are stressing you out. What are the things you’re worried about? What stories are you telling yourself over and over that weigh you down?

Question 1 - Is it true?

Take a moment and ask yourself if the story you tell yourself day in and day out is true.

Question 2 - Can you absolutely know it's true?

This is an extra opportunity to double check that the story is, in fact, 100% true.

Do you have any evidence that might prove the story to be untrue?

Are there men in your life who have loved you and never left? Have you ever shared your fears or feelings and had someone grow closer to you rather than pushing them away? Have you ever not accomplished everything on your to-do list and still had people love and appreciate you? Have you ever experienced joy or happiness and realized it didn’t take away from the significance of your loss? Have you ever shared a deep, dark secret with someone and they didn’t leave you?

Question 3 - How do you react - what happens - when you believe that thought?

What happens in your body when you tell yourself your story? Do you feel panicked, depressed, heavy, anxious?

How does it affect your relationships with the people you love when you tell yourself this story? Does it make things more or less tense? Are you a better version of yourself? Are you more likely to go all-in in, or do you hold back?

How does it affect your relationship with yourself when you believe the story? Are you more kind, or are you cruel? Are you more forgiving, or do you punish yourself?

Question 4 - Who would you be without the thought?

How would your life, or your relationships be different if you didn’t believe your story? How would you feel? Would you prefer your life with or without the thought? Would your life be more or less worried/anxious/happy/peaceful/wonderful with or without the story?

As Amber started to unravel the lies she’d been telling herself, she realized something important. She was happier. She was more confident. She was more calm, at peace, and she felt worthy.

"You're born worthy. Worthiness is not something you achieve or earn. It's something that you inherently are." -Amber Rae

Debunking the bogus stories you've convinced yourself are true opens up your life to a sense of freedom and wonder.

Check out the whole interview to hear more about Amber Rae's story, and how you can stop telling yourself these liar-liar-pants-on-fire stories that are holding you back from a life you can truly fall in love with. Or, you can read her awesome new book (link below).

VIDEO OF THE INTERVIEW

ABOUT AMBER RAE

Called a “Millennial Motivator” by Fortune and "The Brené Brown of Wonder” by Mind Body Green, Amber Rae is an author, artist, and speaker whose work invites you to live your truth, befriend your emotions, and express your gifts.

Her writing blends raw, personal storytelling with actionable aha! moments and has reached more than 5 million people in 195 countries. Her public art has spread to more than 20 countries, and she's spoken to and collaborated with brands like Kate Spade, Apple, Amazon, and Unilever.

Amber has been featured in The New York Times, TIME, Fast Company, BBC, ABC World News, Tim Ferriss's blog, and more.

Previously, Amber helped launch six best-selling books as Chief Evangelist of Seth Godin's publishing experiment and started an "accelerator for your life" called The Bold Academy.

She lives in Brooklyn and around the world with her fiancé, Farhad.

Check out more about the book here.

Choose Wonder Over Worry: Move Beyond Fear and Doubt to Unlock Your Full Potential

By Amber Rae

Dr. Brent Atkinson

BREAK THE DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN

Everyone has patterns of behavior that cause breakdowns in their relationships.

Maybe you constantly assume the worst if you don't have the whole story (She's running late... she's probably dead!).

Maybe you have a tendency to overreact when a conflict involves a particular subject.

Maybe you get defensive or shut down when things get tenuous. Or you pout when you don't get your way. Or you nag when things don't get done the way you want them. Or you give the silent treatment when you feel you're being treated unfairly.

These kinds of behaviors are like love termites. They eat away at the foundation of your relationship over time until the whole thing collapses.

Some people go to therapy to try attempt to change these behaviors and repair the damage that's been done so their relationship can endure. But if you talk to many therapists, you'll learn that therapy doesn't work for everyone. Many couples implement the new skills, mindsets, and behaviors they learn in the therapist's office in their everyday lives.

One hour a week with a therapist is not enough "practice" time to make a new behavior stick.

If you want to change your relationship, you have to work on it DAILY! (That's why I constantly preach about daily, incremental improvement. 1% better every day will change your life.)

After decades as a therapist seeing thousands of clients, Dr. Atkinson has worked on a solution to help people with this issue called The Pragmatic/Experiential Method for Improving Relationship His approach is all about developing a daily commitment to the disruption of damaging patterns.

Here is a summary of the 5-steps he outlines in this podcast episode that will help you take a behavior pattern that isn't working for your relationship, and disrupt it so you can change the results you're getting!

Step 1 - Rate Your Frustration

On a scale from 1-10 how frustrated are you right now?

The first step to training yourself to act counter to your instincts is to learn to recognize when those instincts are kicking in.

Typically, we tend to lose control and fall into those bad communication habits when we get emotionally charged. Before reacting or shutting down, if you can build the habit of rating the level of your frustration, you'll begin to create some real awareness which can be used to take a different path.

This is the most difficult part of the process and requires real commitment.

We"If you really want to change your habits, you can't let anything fall through the cracks. You have to catch it every time it happens."
-Dr. Brent Atkinson

Step 2 - Get to "3"

If you rate your frustration and you're anywhere above a 3, take a break and do whatever it takes to get yourself under a 3.

Some people take a walk. Some people engage in breathing or relaxation techniques. Some people take a shower, or do some burpees (those people are weird).

Whatever it is you do to chill out, go do that thing.

When some people take a break it might be difficult not to get sucked into the black pit of horriblizing. Taking time to cool down to a "3" might require you to challenge your "jumping to conclusions thoughts." Instead of feeding them with justification for your anger until you're ready to rip your partner a new one, try taking deep breaths and giving your partner a bit of a break.

Step 3 - Care First

If you want your partner to understand and care about your perspective, you have to understand and care about theirs.

If you really want to have a relationship that works, and flourishes, your plan should not be to wait around for your partner to do all the hard things. It's your responsibility to care first.

Don't be afraid the one who loves the most.

Step 4 - Give Your Partner The Benefit of the Doubt

It's relatively safe to assume your partner isn't a crazy person. If you're in a decently healthy relationship, your partner isn't out to get you.

So, if you're not married to a crazy person who is out to intentionally ruin your life,  what is one thing that might explain their irrational behavior? What's understandable about it?

How can you identify something that makes them not insane?

When you assume your partner isn't acting maliciously, and they probably have a good reason for behaving like they do, it will help you get one step closer to empathy and mutual understanding.

Step 5 - Use Your Words

Think of some words that, when you resume the conversation with your partner, can convey an acknowledgment of some understandable things about their perspective. If you can't do that, what can you say that will show them you're trying to understand?

When people feel like you "get" them - like they're being heard, acknowledged, and understood - they have no reason to get defensive or lash out to protect themselves.

We all have a tendency to jump to conclusions. We assume there's a "tiger" in every "bush." When you can remind your partner you're not a "tiger," that you're on the same team, and that you can be trusted, you'll be amazed how big, scary conversations can turn into beautiful bonding opportunities.

ABOUT BRENT ATKINSON

GET Brent's Book

Brent Atkinson, Ph.D., is principle architect of Pragmatic/Experiential Therapy, an approach which translates new knowledge about how the brain processes emotion into practical methods for improving relationships and increasing personal success.

Brent is a widely-known teacher, researcher and therapist. His enthusiasm is contagious, and partners are inspired by the confidence he exudes in each of them. You can experience first-hand his ability to present complex ideas in compelling and easy-to-understand ways by reading two recent articles describing his therapy with couples, The Emotional Imperative, and Brain to Brain.

Dr. Atkinson is Professor Emeritus of Marriage and Family Therapy at Northern Illinois University.  He received a Ph.D.in Marriage and Family Therapy from Texas Tech University, a Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Wisconsin, and a Master of Arts in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and is a Clinical Member and Approved Supervisor of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).

Dr. Atkinson’s thoughts on emotional health and therapeutic process have appeared in professional journals such as the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, Family Process, the Journal of Family Psychotherapy, the Journal of Systemic Therapies, and others. Click here for a list of his publications.  Dr. Atkinson is also a frequent keynote speaker at professional conferences.

Brent is past-president of the Illinois Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and has served on the editorial boards for the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, the Journal of Systemic Therapies, and Family Therapy Case Studies.  Brent’s methods for helping couples have been recently described in The Washington Post, The Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan and The Complete Woman magazine.  His therapy with couples has been featured in numerous articles in the Psychotherapy Networker magazine .

Process & Principles vs Content & Outcomes with Dr. Adam Mathews

THINGS YOU CAN LEARN IN A THERAPISTS OFFICE 

Sometimes when we're in pain, we focus more on controlling the outcome of a conflict than we are on staying true to our values. We forget that we can't control the behaviors, words, feelings, or thoughts of others, and so we really don't have any control over the outcome.

In this episode, we talk about how to communicate in a way that stays in line with your values and prevents the stress of worrying about the outcome.

Check out the live recording of this episode:

What happens in the office of a sex therapist?

What Happens In a Therapist's Office? 

Going to see a therapist can be scary. There's a lot to be worried about.

What does it mean about our relationship if we need therapy? What if the therapist tells us our issues are unfixable? Shouldn't we be able to fix this ourselves? What if we start going and our therapist just wants us to come back over and over again for years? How do we know when we don't need therapy anymore? Are they just going to make me talk about my feelings?

How do we even figure out whether or not our struggles are worthy of a therapist?

These are all genuine concerns to have when seeing a therapist for the first time... especially a sex therapist.

In today's episode, we want to give you a taste of what it's like to go see a therapist, what you can expect, and what you can NOT expect.

We hope it gives you a little more courage to ask for help from someone who is trained to help if you ever need it.

Check out the live recording of this episode:

Think you are someone who doesn't have a fantasy?

We have never met a man or woman who didn’t have a fantasy.  Whether it’s having your partner finding a babysitter, planning a date night and whisking you away or trying a new adventure in the bedroom—the spectrum of fantasy is a fun and powerful tool to incorporate into your relationship.  You might be surprised at what you learn about the art and power of fantasy in a relationship whether you ever act on one or not.

The art of fantasy can feel a bit risky. 

Kristin has met with many women and clients. When approached with the question, “What is your fantasy?” they say, “Oh I don’t have one.” 

She immediately calls BS and says, “Oh, yes you do.  Everyone has a fantasy.”  Look at how Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray took the nation by storm.  You can’t tell me women don’t have fantasies. You simply need to get in touch with them. 

First, let me say that fantasy doesn’t have to mean erotic or kinky.  Many of you may have the fantasy of your partner coming through that door after work or on a Saturday morning and grab that trashbag by it’s handles, throw it over their shoulder and march it out of the house like he's on a mission.  That, right there, is a fantasy. 

It’s important to start wherever you are at with this and build.  But being in touch with your fantasies is an important part of increasing your desire.  You don’t even ever have to act on them!  Couple’s and individuals can live off of the EROS of a fantasy for years. 

Check out the live recording of this episode: