divorce

5 Tips To Help You Move Past a Breakup

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Breakups Suck...

So, naturally, last week The Loveumentary hosted Vienna Pharaon LMFT for a webinar on how to move forward after a breakup.

Endings can be horribly painful. They require us to let go of a significant part of our identity - being a partner. We have to give up the future we have been creating in our heads for years, or even decades, with the one we love. And we have to give up the person we love... our friend, our confidant, our lover, our partner.

The pain can go very deep. But the saying "Time heals all wounds." may be incorrect. It's not necessarily time that heals wounds, but time well spent.

Here are 5 tips from Vienna to help you get past a breakup.

If you want to see the full 1-hour webinar, just click the button below and I'll send you the recording!

 

1. Let yourself feel.

Cry. Hurt. Cry some more...you're not human if you don't.

It hurts because it mattered. Remember that, and be gentle with yourself

Pain can be good! It doesn't feel good, but it is healing.

Use your pain to learn about what you're experiencing. What information does the pain tell you? 

2. Talk about it.

Share your story with friends, family... or your therapist. Talk it through over and over again.

Recognize how you feel today. Maybe it's the same as yesterday... maybe it's a little different. Regardless, keep talking about it and sharing how you feel. Processing it is necessary.

Sometimes we have to say the same things 13 times to really feel heard and understood.

3. Stay busy...not avoidant.

Don't just do things to fill your time. Do the things you love to do because YOU LOVE TO DO THEM.

Developing important parts of your identity during this time is crucial. A big part of your identity just got wiped (being a partner) so it's critical that your other roles are intact.

You may not be a partner anymore, but you are still the rest of yourself. Do not let those parts go

4. Exercise. Every. Day.

When you work out you're not just doing a great thing for your body, you're also cleaning your mind.

When a relationship ends, we're generally pretty emotionally flooded...that means the emotions can take over, often times leaving us feeling like we're drowning. When we work out, we release endorphins, serotonin, dopamine! These chemicals boost our mood and decrease the pain we feel - both physical and emotional.

Exercise helps us think about what's happened from a clearer space.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you.

You may not be feeling particularly lovable after an emotional breakup. The personal narrative of "Am I Lovable" gets questioned... so being around people who remind you that you are loved and cared about is necessary.

As you begin to do these things, you begin to learn how to exist without your person. You're relearning how to live your days.

Slowly you will arrive.

Want to dive deeper into these 5 topics? Click here to get access to the full webinar:

Episode #55 with Mike and Becky

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Being Grateful For Your Trials

Mike and Becky seem almost too good to be true... and that's why I love them.

One thing that stood out to me as I re-listened to this interview is the attitude Mike and Becky have towards each other, and the respect and esteem they have for their marriage.

Their marriage inspires them to be the best version of themselves.

I believe they feel so lucky to have each other and have so much respect for their marriage that it has completely changed how they experience life. They don't want to threaten or jeopardize something they deem so sacred, so they put an incredible effort to preserve and nurture everything that is good within their relationship... and they find ways to turn the trials into blessings.

It takes a special kind of person to be grateful for the good in life along with the bad. During the interview Mike mentioned how one of their biggest trials was when his wife was diagnosed with diabetes... then not 10 minutes later, Becky talks about what a blessing her illness has been, and how she's been able to use it to help, serve, and uplift other people struggling with the same disease.

There is a level of love that remarkable couples tend to reach that sets them apart from others. It's a realization that their relationship with each other extends beyond personal satisfaction. Their love carries beyond their partner. It even spreads beyond their children and immediate family.

Truly incredible couples realize that they way they love each other, and they way they respond to their trials and challenges can have an impact on their community and the world. They use their marriage as a catalyst to inspire and uplift others. They set themselves as examples and role models. They see the value in sharing their struggles, and uplifting those who are hurting and suffering.

The lesson I learned from Mike and Becky is that life is what you choose to make it.

What did you learn from this week's podcast? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"]I hope you enjoyed our conversation with Mike and Becky. Here are some of the things we talk about in this episode, as well as some of the resources that were mentioned:

  • Waiting till marriage to have sex.
  • Burn the ships. Don't use the "Divorce" word.
  • Be grateful for each other and the work you do for each other
  • Child rearing conflicts. Good cop vs. Bad cop
  • The Love Monkey (holds love notes, and they'd hide him from each other)
  • When Becky got diabetes
  • Talking about sex with kids on their level
  • Focus on the Family
  • If you make it through one trial, you can be better prepared and stronger for the next one. There are no back doors.
  • Being grateful for the good and the bad
  • How much joy and excitement marriage can bring into your life
  • Finding your love language

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How To Make Your Marriage Feel Like a 24/7 Slumber Party

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If I had to name just one practice that is most critical in keeping my relationship with my husband Kiran strong, positive, connected and alive, I would say gratitude. By this I mean not just feeling a daily heartfelt appreciation for the Love of My Life, but expressing it aloud. We tell each other every day without fail, “You are the most important thing to me. I feel so blessed. You are extraordinary. I’m so lucky to be married to you.”

This habit comes naturally to us because we found each other in middle age. Both of us had been married before, divorced, and then spent several years struggling in unsatisfying relationships. When we came together at nearly 40, everything clicked—and we fully appreciated how rare that is. Our marriage feels like a 24/7 slumber party. We have so much fun, laughing, discussing topics grandiose and mundane, and creating together. And when we have to deal with life’s inevitable body slams, we’re there to support one another with compassion and tenderness.

But our attitude of gratitude is vital. What I love most is how gratitude unfailingly connects me to the beauty and magic of the present moment. Gratitude keeps me from dwelling on any perceived slights or injustices—getting upset or agitated if I feel that Kiran has ignored my needs, for example. I remind myself, “I’m so lucky. We adore each other. Surely I misunderstood.” And then we talk through what happened.

Gratitude also prevents me from spinning out into anxiety about the future. What we have here and now is a gift, and we can never know what might happen around the next curve in life’s highway. I can take a deep breath any time and sink into that warm, happy place in my heart where I know that I love and am loved. What else matters in life?

The way we express our gratitude for each other to each other every day keeps us both feeling secure and appreciated in our marriage. Insecurities fall by the wayside.

Trust builds with each passing year, creating a powerful foundation for our love.

You can’t overdo it when telling the people you love how much you love and appreciate them. Express your gratitude out loud every day.

[jbox title="About the author:" border="5" radius="15"] MeiMei Fox is the published author, co-author, ghostwriter, and freelance editor of hundreds of non-fiction health, wellness, spirituality, and psychology books, articles, and blogs, including New York Times bestsellers Bend, Not Break with Ping Fu and Fortytude with Sarah Brokaw. She has edited books by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and she blogs weekly for the Huffington Post, and her articles have been published in SelfStanford magazine, MindBodyGreenForbes, and numerous other publications.

In addition to writing, MeiMei works as a life coach, assisting clients in realizing their most ambitious dreams. She believes in integrating mind, body, and spirit into a total wellness program based on positive self-esteem and goal-setting. Please contact her for more information.

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Episode #27 - Overcoming Divorce with Garrett and Jenn

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[powerpress]Garrett and Jenn have both been divorced. They'd both agree that divorce is really crappy, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Here are some things you can do to help yourself get through the big-D, and get back to your life again:

Learn Something

Divorce can be a mess. Legal battles, lawyer fees, broken hearts, and dividing assets all tossed together is a recipe for a lot of heartache and pain.

Remember that despite all the things that have gone wrong, this is an opportunity for you to learn and grow. Use this experience to become a better version of yourself. Use it as a fresh start. Identify what you can do better down the road, and commit to doing it... whether that's becoming a better communicator, going to codependency group meetings, seeking therapy, or learning to forgive.

If you don't learn anything from divorce, then it was all for naught.

Take Ownership Of Your Stuff

Every relationship is a two-way street. Playing the blame game and not taking responsibility for your part in the divorce doesn't do anyone any good... especially yourself. Be willing to own your mistakes. Even better... be willing to apologize for them. Nobody is perfect. Not even you.

Don't Be Selfish

Especially if kids are involved. Just because someone makes a bad spouse doesn't mean they are a bad parent. Don't let your anger and hurt bleed through and effect the relationship your kids have with their mom/dad.

Divorce is your problem, not theirs. Unfortunately, it affects them... but as their parent, it's your job to make sure the impact is minimal, and that they feel loved even if you don't.

Forgive

Forgive the other person. Forgive yourself. It may seem like the end of the world. It may seem like you will never love again. It may seem like you're not capable of being loved again.

Let go of those thoughts. Take your time. Breathe deep. Life works out, it always does. When you learn to love yourself again, the love of others will be felt like a rushing river into your heart.

If you don't believe me, listen to this podcast.


And don't forget about our Kickstarter project! Here's 3 ways you can help spread the word:

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[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] Don't forget to subscribe to The Loveumentary on iTunes. And check out Garrett's awesomely inspirational company, DFS Lifestyle.

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