Four Lessons from a 62 Year Marriage

A few weeks ago while on a road trip I dropped by Ghirardelli Square in San Francisco to enjoy the view of Alcatraz and, let's be honest, to buy chocolate. After my stop at the chocolate store where I enjoyed a free Milk Chocolate and Caramel Square, I made my way down to the beach. The sweetness of the chocolate-caramel combo was lingering in my mouth. I plopped down on a bench, soaked in the sun, smelled the fresh cut grass, and started to read.

The perfect afternoon.

I was completely immersed in my book when suddenly something took me out of the zone. Someone was approaching my bench.

I looked up and saw Jerry. "It's a great day for a read, isn't it?" he asked as he plopped down beside me, scooting closer to make room for his wife. "Isn't that book you're reading a best seller?" Betty asked. Jerry, Betty and I were instant friends... because talking about books is the best way to become friends.

Jerry and Betty have been married for 62 years. They've experience more together than most people do in their entire lives. Here are four lessons I learned from my short conversation with this awesome couple:

Create Rituals Together

When I met Jerry and Betty, they were out for a walk together before their weekly lunch in San Francisco. It's been their weekly tradition for years. They told me about how they both love the outdoors. They grew up in Southern California during the depression where they spent every day at the beach bodysurfing.

When Jerry retired, they moved to Hawaii for a decade and, as Jerry said, "We spent every single day together in the ocean for 10 years. Every day!"

"It so nice that we both love being outdoors," Betty added.

Doing the things you enjoy is important. Spending time with the one you love is also important. Combine the two, and do things you enjoy with the one you love, and you've got magic.

Take Care of Something Together

As we got to know each other a little better, I learned that Jerry and Betty had two daughters. Both had been through divorce, and at least one has since remarried.

"Do you have any grandkids?" I asked.

"Nope," Jerry replied as he reached for his wallet. He obviously wanted to show me something. "I don't keep pictures of my kids in here, but I do keep a picture of our Grand-dog."

He pulled out a photo of a Golden Retriever. "He's our baby," said Betty.

"He sleeps at the foot of our bed, sprawled out on his back with all for legs pointing in the air!" laughed Jerry.

It was obvious that they both loved their dog. A lot.

Sharing and investing in a mutual love brings people together, whether it's a plant, a pet, or a child. Find something to nurture and love with the person you care most about. Then invest in it, and watch your love grow (figuratively and literally).

Have a Sense of Humor

After talking about kids, and dogs, and Hawaii, and lunch, I asked these two wise souls what is the secret to 62 years of marriage.

Without missing a beat, Betty said, "You have to learn to go with the flow. You need to just relax and enjoy life. When I got married, my Father gave me one piece of advice. He said, 'If you hold on to one thing, make sure it's your sense of humor.'"

It was obvious talking to Jerry and Betty that they did not take life too seriously. Nor did they take each other too seriously. The accepted each others good parts, and were able to laugh at the rest.

What are the things you can choose to laugh at instead of getting annoyed? Can you find the humor in the challenges that life inevitably throws at you instead of casting blame? How can you learn to just go with the flow?

Don't Ever Give Up

"Too many people give up when things get hard," said Jerry. "You have to stick with it for it to be worth it. It isn't always easy, but things get bad, and then they get good again. You just have to hang in there."

Nothing worth having ever came easy.

Whoever tells you that love is easy is lying. Love can be simple, but it's rarely easy. Putting the desires and goals and happiness of your parter above your own is not easy. Nurturing a relationship involving two constantly shifting and changing lives is not easy. Being kind and loving when you are tired and stressed is not easy.

Love is not easy. But with the right attitude and enough effort, it's worth it.

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The Truth About Guys

I have a secret...

In the spirit of honesty, I’m going to open up the kimono and let you see into this very personal, and rarely talked-about corner of my heart.

You may never hear a guy (at least not a single guy) openly admit this again, so pay close attention.

Ready?

Us guys, we like to be in love.

As a matter of fact, we love it.

And, sometimes, just like girls, we get our hearts broken.

We feel alone, and hurt. We just don’t like to talk about it. At all.

We’re supposed to be strong. We’re supposed to remain silent. We are men.

It's not acceptable for us to curl up in our PJs with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream, and watch a gushy chick flick where, despite all the hardship and drama, everything works out in the end.

We don’t get to call our moms and go get mani-pedis, as we recover over a mountain of french fries and extra large Diet Cokes.

We don’t even get to cry.

Standard protocol is to “suck it up.”

Be a man!

In worst-case-scenarios, a broken heart calls for a Guys Night full of mind-numbing sessions of Halo, while chugging Mountain Dew and eating cheap $5 pizza.

The only real conversation on nights like this (other than the profanities that only Halo can inspire) revolves around insulting and degrading the girl you probably still hold so dear to your heart.

Deep inside, what we really want (and when I say “we,” I mean “I”... but I truly hope I’m not alone in this) is a simple, storybook kind of love.

You know the kind I’m talking about.

It’s the love where I can’t sleep through the night, because I keep waking myself up to make sure she’s still there and that I wasn’t really dreaming... because it feels like a dream to have her there next to me.

It’s the kind of love that has me running out the door after work just to get home and smother her in kisses, and present her that bouquet of wildflowers that I hand-picked on the side of the freeway because they reminded me of her.

I’m trying to find the girl who can talk to me about books that we read together, and not who got cut from The Bachelor this week.

I’m desperate for the girl who pushes me to pursue my dreams and become the best version of myself... and a girl who has dreams of her own.

I yearn for the day that I come home from work to discover her dressed in one of my baggy t-shirts, and a pair of old, tattered jeans with paint on her exhausted face and hair pulled back into a simple ponytail.

She explains to me that she woke up that morning and thought the living room just needed a change.

I want to spend my weekends waking up early to embark on scavenger hunts at farmers markets, garage sales, and music stores... watching her hunt for the perfect little treasure that will complete or inspire her next big project.

I want to open her doors, hold her hand, travel the world, and run to the store late at night to buy her tampons.

I want to watch romantic comedies, and have her realize at the end that I’m her prince charming, or her knight in shining armor. And together, despite the struggles (maybe even because of them), we’ve got it better than any fairy tale.

I want to dance in the kitchen at 2:00 in the morning, and kiss her flat on the mouth after telling her I’m sorry for proving her wrong.

Just kidding... she’ll never be wrong.

I want to be in love. You know... that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.

And I don’t want to be afraid to tell her... because it’s true.

I don't know who she is... yet. But I know I love her.

That's my secret. I hope you can keep it just between us...

If you like what you read here, please subscribe to the blog, or find me on the Facebooks. And don't forget the weekly podcast here on iTunes. These stories will make your heart swell with goodness.

Episode #10 - The Bachelorcast

Wherein four bachelors talk about love... a topic on which we are definitely not experts.

We cover why it's important to know what you want and who you are before you can really fall in love. We talk about the simplicity of the concept of love, and how complicated it gets when you involve people. We crack jokes, get deep, and revel in awkward silences.

Hope you enjoy!

Also, here is the Jim Carrey video we reference:

Marina Abramović and Ulay - Love Lost

Marina Abramović and Ulay were both performance artists who partnered in the 70's to create projects that were intended to make people think differently, and question the reality they've been handed. They worked together so much, and took their art so seriously that they began to dress and act as twins. They sacrificed their own ego and personalities to become one singular being, and even started referring to themselves as part of a "two-headed body."

Over a decade after they began performing (and basically existing) together, they decided that it was time to part. They each started at opposite ends of The Great Wall of China - Ulay starting in the Goby Desert, and Marina from the Yellow Sea - and walked until they met in the middle. It was here that they said their goodbyes, and then continued walking past each other never to see each other again...

Until in 2010, at the Museum of Modern Art. Marina performed "The Artist is Present," a 736-hour and 30-minute static, silent piece, in which she sat immobile in the museum's atrium, while spectators were invited to take turns sitting opposite her in one-minute increments. For the first time in nearly 20 years (and unbeknownst to her), Abramović and Ulay were reunited.

Love affects us all. Every day. Whether we want it to or not. Sit down today with someone you love, and look into their eyes for one full minute in silence. Come back and share the experience in the comments.