“What if I marry the wrong person?”
What advice would you give to someone with that question?
The Surprising Truth About Pelvic Floor Health
SHOW NOTES
Pelvic floor health is important for both men and women.
If you find yourself urinating when you sneeze or exercise, you need to strengthen your pelvic floor. (Tips on this below.)
The Perefit is a game create specifically to improve pelvic floor health for women. The controller goes inside the female genitals, and is used to strengthen and control your pelvic floor muscles.
Men need good pelvic floor health as much as women do. Added bonus: it helps to produce much stronger orgasms.
Movement Matters by Katy Bowman - Get it on Amazon or Audible. (Signing up for a free trial on Audible supports this podcast!)
Follow these accounts on Instagram:
@KristinBHodson
@PelvicFloorPatrol
@PelvicGuru1
ABOUT KRISTIN HODSON
Kristin is involved in many practices and projects with the goal of improving sexual health in individuals, couples, families, communities and institutions.
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Kristin sees clients at her mental health clinic, The Healing Group, teaches human sexuality as an Adjunct Professor at The University of Utah in the College of Social Work, hosts the largest professional conference in the rocky mountain region, The Rocky Mountain Sex + Intimacy Summit.
Kristin is co-author of, “Real Intimacy: A Couple’s Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality” and is working on her second book, “Yes! You Can Talk To Your Kids About Sex.”
Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality
By Thomas G. Harrison, MSW, LCSW, Kristin B. Hodson, Alisha Worthington, BSW, SSW
The Perfect Moment
Eugene O’Kelly was the CEO of KPMG, one of the biggest accounting firms in the United States in the mid 2000’s. One day he got the news, “You have 3 golf-ball-sized tumors in your brain and you have 90 days to live.”
He spent the next 3 months of his life “unraveling” or wrapping up his most important relationships and giving them a sense of closure. He did this by creating “Perfect Moments.”
It's Not Fair...
“It’s not fair…”
I hear that phrase from married people a lot. Almost every single day.
I hear it from wives who want more help from their partner around the house, who feel betrayed by their husband’s hidden porn use, or who feel like they don’t have time to develop any hobbies or friendships outside of their family life...
I hear it from husbands who feel like a walking ATM, who get rejected for sex over and over again, who get criticized for playing video games or watching sports to unwind after a long day of work...
The list of reasons people see life as unfair goes on and on.
How I Saved My Marriage with Nate Bailey
HOW HE SAVED HIS MARRIAGE
When Nate returned from his service in the armed forces as a Platoon Leader in Kuwait, he invested the majority of his time, energy, and attention into his businesses. His health and his marriage went into a downward spiral.
Then he and his wife had kids - which we all know makes a struggling relationship so much better... right?
Nate spent many hours reading personal growth books, and thinking about lots of ways he could change things... but he rarely implemented the things he read.
After several years of struggle, disagreements, walking on eggshells, and feeling more like roommates than lovers, Nate realized that if he didn't do something soon, his marriage was destined for divorce. He loved his wife... they just never seemed to be on the same page. And he certainly loved his daughters. He was not going to give them up without a fight.
First he got clarity. He knew something needed to change, and the only thing he could change was himself. So, he invested. He got training. He surrounded himself with people who would challenge him and push him to be the kind of husband he wanted to be... even when it was hard.
Then, he got committed. He started taking action. He stopped reading books and doing nothing. Instead, he invested every day. It didn't matter if his wife responded to his efforts or not. It wasn't about her... it was about him. He wanted to be a 5-star husband.
After months and months of work, things started to change. The dynamic of their relationship shifted. They began to grow closer together. The walls came down.
Today, Nate is a highly-invested, 5-star husband and father. His marriage is the kind that many people envy and admire. Listen to this episode to get details about how he made the change happen.
ABOUT NATE BAILEY
He started his career in the United States Army. As a Platoon Leader in the Operation Iraqi Freedom, he was charged with the safety and leadership of 40 soldiers in Kuwait.
Today he is the Lead Trainer and Lead Coach of the Prosperity Revolution, ManWealth, and Shield Maiden programs. He works with hundreds of men and women who are focusing on creating a better life for themselves and their families.
In his quest to expand my own personal physical limits, Nate has completed the Ironman AZ, Sealfit Kokoro 45, Wheels4Water - a charity bike ride across America which raised over $300K for clean water in Ethiopia, and currently training to complete the Kettle 100 - a 100 mile solo run and GoRuck Selection in 2018.
Family is his number one driver. He is a committed husband and father.
Live Your Legacy: The 90 Day Lifestyle Roadmap
By Nate Bailey
Sex, God & The Conservative Church with Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers
CHRISTIANITY'S WAR ON SEX
Christianity is the most adhered to religion in the United States with roughly 75% of Americans identifying as Christians. So, whether you're Christian or not, you know someone, have been taught by someone, or have been influenced by someone with Judeo-Christian values.
After seeing a massive increase in the number of students coming to her with crushing shame, confusion, and dread around sex as a professor at Seattle Pacific University, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers got curious.
Why the sudden influx of young people experiencing so much shame around sex?
The more she researched, the more she learned that it was in large part due to the way these kids were taught about sex, virtue, chastity, and purity in their homes and churches growing up.
This didn't feel right to her. Sex isn't something God wants us to be afraid of. It's something we should celebrate and cultivate in a way that reinforces our relationship with God and those we love.
So, she began to ask questions...
How did Christianity take the gift of sexuality and turn it into something people seem so afraid of? How has Christianity contributed to our culture’s ignorance surrounding things like eros, sacred sexuality, and the human body? How can we help people to heal from years of religious sexual shame and faulty teaching, while still respecting their faith traditions? What does a cohesive, faith-based picture of intended sexuality look like? What are actual, intimate sexual practices that couples can share that will build a sex life that is wholly integrated with their spirituality? And what practices can single people do to heal and develop a loving and celebratory relationship with their body and with God?
This interview, and her book Sex, God & The Conservative Church (get a free chapter here) expand on her findings, and the cure for Religious Sexual Shame (which just recently got an official definition).
"Sexual shame is a visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust toward one’s own body and identity as a sexual being, and a belief of being abnormal, inferior and unworthy. This feeling can be internalized but also manifests in interpersonal relationships having a negative impact on trust, communication, and physical and emotional intimacy. Sexual shame develops across the lifespan in interactions with interpersonal relationships, one’s culture and society, and subsequent critical self-appraisal (a continuous feedback loop). There is also a fear and uncertainty related to one’s power or right to make decisions, including safety decisions, related to sexual encounters, along with an internalized judgment toward one’s own sexual desire."
Please leave your thoughts, insights, and ideas in the comments below.
ABOUT DR. TINA SCHERMER SELLERS
Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD has had a distinguished career as an educator, sex therapist, family therapist, speaker, author, consultant, and thought leader. She serves as an Associate Professor of Marriage & Family Therapy and Director of Medical Family Therapy at Seattle Pacific University. Her popular blog is filled with inspiring ideas on marriage, parenting, spirituality, sexuality and socio-political culture.
Dr. Sellers also founded the Northwest Institute on Intimacy, whose mission is to provide training in sex therapy and spiritual intimacy for psychotherapists and to provide a solid referral source to physicians, clergy, and community leaders. Her relentless passion for couples and families to know sexual and spiritual abundance, health and healing have won her several awards and requests for radio, TV and podcast interviews.
Click here to get a free chapter of her book
Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy
By Tina Schermer Sellers
Lessons on Marriage from LeBron James
Commitment is a big part of what I am and what I believe. How committed are you to winning? How committed are you to being a good friend? To being trustworthy? To being successful? How committed are you to being a good father, a good teammate, a good role model? There’s that moment every morning when you look in the mirror: Are you committed, or are you not?”
Choose Wonder with Amber Rae
WORRY KILLS WONDER
From the outside, Amber’s life looked incredible: She’s smart, talented, beautiful, and connected with all sorts of influential people on both coasts. She’d been on the front page of the New York Times, had an impressive resume, and a growing social media audience…
But inside, she was full of worry.
Like many of us, she was using her success, her appearance, her resume, and romantic partners to give her the things she could not give herself… validation, love and approval.
She convinced herself that the stories she’d created in her head were true.
“If people really knew who I was, they’d know I’m not enough.”
“I can’t succeed. There are too many people out there who are better, more prepared, smarter, more qualified than you.”
“If I express my feelings I’m being needy or dramatic. Better to just keep them bottled up and not burden others.”
In her 20’s she had a boyfriend who told her, “I love you, but I can never tell you that again.”
Instead of asking, “Why can’t you ever tell me that again?” she lived in constant fear that if she did something wrong in the relationship, another man who loved her would up and leave. It would validate the fear that she had that she was unworthy of love.
She developed anorexia.
She stopped being herself.
"I was so afraid for him to see me for who I really am, because I thought that if he did, it wouldn't be enough."
She was so concerned about the approval of others that lived her life completely devoid of any sense of enjoyment or wonder. She was terrified to let down her guard. She was completely caught up in the fabricated reality created by believing stories in her head.
Her deeply-held belief in these untrue stories kept her feeling insecure, empty, and full of worry.
Can you relate?
WE ALL HAVE STORIES
We all have stories running through our heads that are holding us back, and keeping us from enjoying life. Here are some examples off the top of my head from my life and the lives of some people I know in my life:
“If I stop being sad about losing the love of my life, it must mean our love wasn’t special. I have to hold onto the pain and mourn forever.”
“If my kids suffer and I don’t suffer with them, it means I’m not a good parent.”
“If she found out I look at porn, she’ll see me as a fraud, a liar, and a failure as a husband/father.”
“If I express my pain or emotions, it makes me less of a man. I’ll lose the respect of my peers, partner, or children.”
“I’ve made too many mistakes to be forgiven and offered another chance.”
“If I can’t make everyone happy, I’m a failure as a woman.”
The list of stories we believe goes on and on… and the more we believe these stories, the more stress and pressure and strain and worry we put on ourselves, and the less we actually enjoy life.
It wasn’t until Amber asked herself some important questions found in Byron Katie’s work, which she calls, "The Work" that she was able to overcome her insecurities and addictions, and truly discover joy, happiness and wonder in her life.
Start by writing down the thoughts that are stressing you out. What are the things you’re worried about? What stories are you telling yourself over and over that weigh you down?
Question 1 - Is it true?
Take a moment and ask yourself if the story you tell yourself day in and day out is true.
Question 2 - Can you absolutely know it's true?
This is an extra opportunity to double check that the story is, in fact, 100% true.
Do you have any evidence that might prove the story to be untrue?
Are there men in your life who have loved you and never left? Have you ever shared your fears or feelings and had someone grow closer to you rather than pushing them away? Have you ever not accomplished everything on your to-do list and still had people love and appreciate you? Have you ever experienced joy or happiness and realized it didn’t take away from the significance of your loss? Have you ever shared a deep, dark secret with someone and they didn’t leave you?
Question 3 - How do you react - what happens - when you believe that thought?
What happens in your body when you tell yourself your story? Do you feel panicked, depressed, heavy, anxious?
How does it affect your relationships with the people you love when you tell yourself this story? Does it make things more or less tense? Are you a better version of yourself? Are you more likely to go all-in in, or do you hold back?
How does it affect your relationship with yourself when you believe the story? Are you more kind, or are you cruel? Are you more forgiving, or do you punish yourself?
Question 4 - Who would you be without the thought?
How would your life, or your relationships be different if you didn’t believe your story? How would you feel? Would you prefer your life with or without the thought? Would your life be more or less worried/anxious/happy/peaceful/wonderful with or without the story?
As Amber started to unravel the lies she’d been telling herself, she realized something important. She was happier. She was more confident. She was more calm, at peace, and she felt worthy.
"You're born worthy. Worthiness is not something you achieve or earn. It's something that you inherently are." -Amber Rae
Debunking the bogus stories you've convinced yourself are true opens up your life to a sense of freedom and wonder.
Check out the whole interview to hear more about Amber Rae's story, and how you can stop telling yourself these liar-liar-pants-on-fire stories that are holding you back from a life you can truly fall in love with. Or, you can read her awesome new book (link below).
VIDEO OF THE INTERVIEW
ABOUT AMBER RAE
Called a “Millennial Motivator” by Fortune and "The Brené Brown of Wonder” by Mind Body Green, Amber Rae is an author, artist, and speaker whose work invites you to live your truth, befriend your emotions, and express your gifts.
Her writing blends raw, personal storytelling with actionable aha! moments and has reached more than 5 million people in 195 countries. Her public art has spread to more than 20 countries, and she's spoken to and collaborated with brands like Kate Spade, Apple, Amazon, and Unilever.
Amber has been featured in The New York Times, TIME, Fast Company, BBC, ABC World News, Tim Ferriss's blog, and more.
Previously, Amber helped launch six best-selling books as Chief Evangelist of Seth Godin's publishing experiment and started an "accelerator for your life" called The Bold Academy.
She lives in Brooklyn and around the world with her fiancé, Farhad.
Check out more about the book here.
Dr. Brent Atkinson
BREAK THE DESTRUCTIVE PATTERN
Everyone has patterns of behavior that cause breakdowns in their relationships.
Maybe you constantly assume the worst if you don't have the whole story (She's running late... she's probably dead!).
Maybe you have a tendency to overreact when a conflict involves a particular subject.
Maybe you get defensive or shut down when things get tenuous. Or you pout when you don't get your way. Or you nag when things don't get done the way you want them. Or you give the silent treatment when you feel you're being treated unfairly.
These kinds of behaviors are like love termites. They eat away at the foundation of your relationship over time until the whole thing collapses.
Some people go to therapy to try attempt to change these behaviors and repair the damage that's been done so their relationship can endure. But if you talk to many therapists, you'll learn that therapy doesn't work for everyone. Many couples implement the new skills, mindsets, and behaviors they learn in the therapist's office in their everyday lives.
One hour a week with a therapist is not enough "practice" time to make a new behavior stick.
If you want to change your relationship, you have to work on it DAILY! (That's why I constantly preach about daily, incremental improvement. 1% better every day will change your life.)
After decades as a therapist seeing thousands of clients, Dr. Atkinson has worked on a solution to help people with this issue called The Pragmatic/Experiential Method for Improving Relationship His approach is all about developing a daily commitment to the disruption of damaging patterns.
Here is a summary of the 5-steps he outlines in this podcast episode that will help you take a behavior pattern that isn't working for your relationship, and disrupt it so you can change the results you're getting!
Step 1 - Rate Your Frustration
On a scale from 1-10 how frustrated are you right now?
The first step to training yourself to act counter to your instincts is to learn to recognize when those instincts are kicking in.
Typically, we tend to lose control and fall into those bad communication habits when we get emotionally charged. Before reacting or shutting down, if you can build the habit of rating the level of your frustration, you'll begin to create some real awareness which can be used to take a different path.
This is the most difficult part of the process and requires real commitment.
We"If you really want to change your habits, you can't let anything fall through the cracks. You have to catch it every time it happens."
-Dr. Brent Atkinson
Step 2 - Get to "3"
If you rate your frustration and you're anywhere above a 3, take a break and do whatever it takes to get yourself under a 3.
Some people take a walk. Some people engage in breathing or relaxation techniques. Some people take a shower, or do some burpees (those people are weird).
Whatever it is you do to chill out, go do that thing.
When some people take a break it might be difficult not to get sucked into the black pit of horriblizing. Taking time to cool down to a "3" might require you to challenge your "jumping to conclusions thoughts." Instead of feeding them with justification for your anger until you're ready to rip your partner a new one, try taking deep breaths and giving your partner a bit of a break.
Step 3 - Care First
If you want your partner to understand and care about your perspective, you have to understand and care about theirs.
If you really want to have a relationship that works, and flourishes, your plan should not be to wait around for your partner to do all the hard things. It's your responsibility to care first.
Don't be afraid the one who loves the most.
Step 4 - Give Your Partner The Benefit of the Doubt
It's relatively safe to assume your partner isn't a crazy person. If you're in a decently healthy relationship, your partner isn't out to get you.
So, if you're not married to a crazy person who is out to intentionally ruin your life, what is one thing that might explain their irrational behavior? What's understandable about it?
How can you identify something that makes them not insane?
When you assume your partner isn't acting maliciously, and they probably have a good reason for behaving like they do, it will help you get one step closer to empathy and mutual understanding.
Step 5 - Use Your Words
Think of some words that, when you resume the conversation with your partner, can convey an acknowledgment of some understandable things about their perspective. If you can't do that, what can you say that will show them you're trying to understand?
When people feel like you "get" them - like they're being heard, acknowledged, and understood - they have no reason to get defensive or lash out to protect themselves.
We all have a tendency to jump to conclusions. We assume there's a "tiger" in every "bush." When you can remind your partner you're not a "tiger," that you're on the same team, and that you can be trusted, you'll be amazed how big, scary conversations can turn into beautiful bonding opportunities.
ABOUT BRENT ATKINSON
GET Brent's Book
Brent Atkinson, Ph.D., is principle architect of Pragmatic/Experiential Therapy, an approach which translates new knowledge about how the brain processes emotion into practical methods for improving relationships and increasing personal success.
Brent is a widely-known teacher, researcher and therapist. His enthusiasm is contagious, and partners are inspired by the confidence he exudes in each of them. You can experience first-hand his ability to present complex ideas in compelling and easy-to-understand ways by reading two recent articles describing his therapy with couples, The Emotional Imperative, and Brain to Brain.
Dr. Atkinson is Professor Emeritus of Marriage and Family Therapy at Northern Illinois University. He received a Ph.D.in Marriage and Family Therapy from Texas Tech University, a Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Wisconsin, and a Master of Arts in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and is a Clinical Member and Approved Supervisor of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).
Dr. Atkinson’s thoughts on emotional health and therapeutic process have appeared in professional journals such as the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, Family Process, the Journal of Family Psychotherapy, the Journal of Systemic Therapies, and others. Click here for a list of his publications. Dr. Atkinson is also a frequent keynote speaker at professional conferences.
Brent is past-president of the Illinois Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and has served on the editorial boards for the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, the Journal of Systemic Therapies, and Family Therapy Case Studies. Brent’s methods for helping couples have been recently described in The Washington Post, The Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan and The Complete Woman magazine. His therapy with couples has been featured in numerous articles in the Psychotherapy Networker magazine .
