Growing up, I believed a horrible lie.
I had this idea that when I got married, my life would revolve around my wife, her needs, her wants, and her dreams. And her life would revolve around mine.
We would travel together…
Pursue hobbies together…
Clean the house together…
Watch shows together...
Raise kids together...
Basically, we would do everything together.
Neither of us would ever find anyone else attractive.
We wouldn’t even have friends of the opposite sex.
I would be all she needed. She would be all I needed.
It was going to be just me and her… together... against the world.
Honestly, it sounded kinda romantic.
But now that I’m a little older and wiser, I have learned this “romantic” idea is a recipe for disaster.
Here’s why.
In order to have a thriving marriage, it requires you to balance the needs of 3 different parties.
Your needs.
Your partner’s needs.
And the needs of your marriage.
When you treat your needs, your partner’s needs, and the needs of your marriage as if they are all the same, all the time… someone will end up regularly sacrificing their needs.
When this happens, you might start to feel suffocated, or smothered.
Or maybe you’ll begin to feel frustrated and resentful.
Or you could just lose your identity. Completely forget who you are.
This is called Enmeshment.
It can feel safe for a while… but eventually it feels terrible.
Here’s why.
As renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel says, “Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings.”
You need comfort, predictability, stability, and safety.
But you also need spontaneity, surprise, mystery, and desire.
You want to feel a sense of togetherness, companionship, and connection with the one you love.
But you don’t want to feel like a prisoner.
And that means, deep down, you need to have some freedom, a sense of independence, and individuality.
When your desires, needs, interests, and dreams are sacrificed for, or consumed by your partner’s (or vice versa) you lose something vitally important.
You lose half of yourself.
You exist in the world (and in your relationship) as an incomplete person.
You start to feel your partner’s worries, anxieties, pains, and frustrations as if they were your own.
The quality of your life gets directly tied to your partner’s moods, struggles, and insecurities.
It’s hard to distinguish between what thoughts and emotions are yours… and which ones belong to your partner.
It can get confusing and overwhelming.
This is called “enmeshment.”
When you’re feeling enmeshed, it’s important to differentiate between your partner’s needs, wants, dreams, struggles, and emotions… and your own.
It’s important to give each other space to experience freedom and togetherness. Spontaneity and predictability. Your individual passions and interests, and things you can do together.
Balancing opposing needs requires thoughtful effort.
To continue Esther Perel’s quote, “Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while remaining open to the unknown, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate, or proceed in counterpoint. Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole.”
To learn more about how to disentangle yourselves when you’re feeling enmeshed, listen to today’s podcast episode!