Episode #63 with Tyler and Analee Ward
Episode #62 with Jim and Jean Williford
Episode #61 with Wes & Tera
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Why I Loved Witnessing Their Love
There are a lot of things to love about Wes and Tera. So many things. But the thing that still makes me well up is hearing Tera express how much she loves and adores her husband.
("I marred WES WAGES!")
You can see the excitement at the beginning of this video... which made me cry. I'm not even a little ashamed to admit it. (You should absolutely watch it.)
Our Greatest Adventure from Armosa Studios on Vimeo.
Creating Trust
Wes and Tera are so protective of their love. They care for it. They esteem it as something sacred.
They create rules in their marriage that facilitate trust and connectedness. Upon hearing this episode, some people might think that the rules they've set are overly-strict. But what many people don't realize is that it's the boundaries and rules that you agree on as a couple that make a relationship workable and safe.
I love how intentionally Tera and Wes have crafted their relationship to protect themselves and each other from threats. They have an understanding that if you can honor the small promises, you never have to worry about the big promises being broken.
If you take anything away from this, let it be that when you create and honor your promises, your relationship works.
[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"]Wes and Tera are as sweet as can be. They are talented, loving and compassionate. You will love this interview. Check out their amazing documentary skills at Armosa Films. Also, on a side note, in this episode I say that Wes and Tera are in Georgia... I am wrong. They are from Alabama. Florence... across the river from the infamous Muscle Schoals baby! Ok... thanks, enjoy these notes:
The first time Wes and Tera dated... and then broke up. (3-10m)
Pursuing your dreams... like being a ballerina as a 19-year-old surrounded by 13-year-olds. (13m)
Taking time to discover yourselves as a couple and as individuals before you can have a deeply intimate relationship. (19m)
Getting married and realizing how little you know about the person you know everything about. (27m)
The things that you think will be easy sometimes aren't as easy as you think. You assume some things will come naturally to you... but they sometimes require more work that you thought. (28m)
Saving sex for marriage. (30m)
How they choose to manage finances. (38m)
Marriage isn't as hard as people make it out to be, but you have to take precautions to keep your heart pure for each other. (44m)
Take care of the small things, and the big things don't become a problem. (45m)
Working together as business partners. (48m)
Tera's love advice. (51m)
What does it look like to be in a state of preparedness or readiness for commitment? (56m)
Seeing a man treat his fiancee without love or care. (1h 1m)
The fear of new couples about to get married. (1h 3m)
How to tell if you've got the "It Factor" as a couple. (1h 5m)
There is huge value in experiencing new things together! And the worst day of Wes's life. (1h 9m)
How have you maintained your individuality? (1h 15m)
There's no such thing as the perfect person. (1h 20m)
Before you leave, you need to watch this. It's so beautiful:
River Asher from Armosa Studios on Vimeo.
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Episode #60 with Mariano and Maggie Reyes
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Maggie and Mariano have it figured out...
Well, they don't have it all figured out. They still have struggles and challenges just like any other couple... but what they do have figured out is the rules by which they want to play the game of marriage.
They were the perfect capstone interview for Melissa and my time together on the road because they encapsulated and touched on so many of the important lessons that we learned from other people on our journey. This interview is like the summary of the very best takeaways of so many of The Loveumentary's interviews.
One of my favorite quotes comes from about 26 minutes in when Maggie says:
I write about this on my blog all the time. It's about redefining your marriage so that it works for you, and not for what anybody else thinks is the right thing. So we came to this conclusion that we're going to make something that works for us. It's not going to look like anything anybody else does.
They learned very quickly that what works for others won't always work for them... and they get to set the rules of how they play and create their life together.
Please listen to this episode. We talk about everything from comics and video games to faith and losing family members. It's fun and thoughtful and will open you up to all sorts of possibilities!
Maggie and Mariano (Grand Master Flash) are amazing. Maggie writes a blog called Modern Married. You should totally check it out. Thanks for listening to this episode. It's absolutely one of my favorites. Here's some of my favorite takeaways:
How to ask a girl out. (7m)
Declaring your relationship status... basically how Mariano is a freaking boss. (9m)
I knew he was the one I wanted to go through hard things with. (11m)
The importance of having a marriage mentor. (14m)
Mariano's Spiritual Awakening (16m)
Making a "list" for your future partner. Should you do it or shouldn't you? (18m)
The amazing power of gratitude. (21m)
The fears of starting a life together. (24m)
A freakout doesn't mean it's over. (25m)
Redefining and creating a marriage for you, and not according to what other people want or think you should want. Your relationship needs to work for you... it doesn't matter what works for anyone else.(26m)
The phases of moving from single life to married life... including a phase of grief. (28m)
Marriage is like the Justice League. For you to do things successfully you have to play to your strength. (29m)
What it's like to get married in your 30's... learning to balance your time together and your time apart. "If we're so in love, shouldn't we want to spend every waking moment together?" Should I be jealous of video games? (31m)
The meaning-making machine - The importance of learning to understand why something is happening rather than making up the meaning yourself. (36m)
Tackling health together. (39m)
The importance of tackling projects together and being a team. (41m)
Is marriage work? (42m)
What's the best and hardest part of being married? (45m)
What inspired the Modern Married Blog? (52m)
The power of the Daily Check-In and of just asking if the story you're making up in your head is true. (54m)
What are the most important qualities in a husband or wife? (59m)
What's your last piece of relationship advice? (1h 4m)
Episode #59 with Jon and Alexa
The Most Mature Young Couple You've Ever Met
It think there are a lot of Millennials who fear commitment and marriage.
I wish I could introduce each one of those people to Jon and Alexa.
This interview shows the wisdom of a very young couple, how they've fallen in love, stayed in love, and how they plan to stay in love... and my favorite part is that they do it in a realistic way.
One of my pet peeves when talking to couples about relationships is when they say things like, "Relationships are hard," or "Love takes a lot of work," without getting into the specifics of what is hard and what the work is.
Jon and Alexa do a BEAUTIFUL job at articulating the struggles and triumphs of romance. This is a story the whole world needs to hear. I hope to get them back on the podcast sometime soon.
I hope you enjoy the episode!
Alexa and Jon are great friends of Melissa. They live in Chicago, they are madly in love with each other, and I hope you enjoy their story! Here are some of the key takeaways for me:
Reinventing falling in love over and over again. (4m)
How has the way you love each other evolved over your marriage? (7m)
Realizing that you don't have to do life alone. (10m)
Why is being married better than being single? (13m)
Having a partner gives you someone to answer to who keeps you motivated and embracing change and growth. (15m)
Your relationships help you come to know yourself. You can't come to know yourself except through other people. (23m)
Good love needs a community!
How can you remind your partner of their greatness? (25m)
How does life change when your partner forces you out of your head and into living in the moment? (33m)
Don't avoid the hard conversations or you don't get the amazing moments that come as a result of having them. (35m)
The 5 Love Languages - It's important to communicate your love in a way that your partner understands. (38m)
Start your difficult conversations with warmth and vulnerability. This is called the Soft Start Up.
How you listen is more important than what you say. (42m)
Don't get caught up in what other people think - unrealistic standards - or it will destroy your ability to be vulnerable. (45m)
When you enter a conversation with blame, you will never accomplish anything except hurt feelings and destruction. (49m)
What role does faith place in your relationship? (52m)
What advice do you have for other couples out there? Don't try to be someone you're not. (59m)
The moment at their wedding when Alexa felt an overpowering energy that she'd never experienced before. (1h 2m)
What it's like to go through the ebbs and flows of a relationship. (1h 5m)
Episode #58 with Aaron Anderson
A Bromance Made In Heaven
It's rare that I get to talk to men in the Love Industry about relationships, so having a chance for Melissa and me to sit down with Aaron Anderson was a real treat.
One of my favorite points from our conversation together was when Aaron talked about what happens when we play the Victim Card.
Often when we feel attacked, or guilty, we tend to blame anything and everything under the sun for the circumstances we've created. We'll do anything we can to avoid taking responsibility for our choices... including trying to prove to our partner that the hurt we caused them isn't nearly as bad as they hurts they've caused us.
John Gottman calls this Cross Complaining.
I like Aaron's term better...
The Victim Olympics
The Victim Olympics is a contest we create between ourselves and our parter. The winner of The Victim Olympics is the person who can prove they've been wronged and hurt more than their partner.
The result? Not pretty.
Nothing positive or productive is accomplished.
The only result is more pain and frustration.
Does this sound familiar?
A great solution that kicks playing The Victim Olympics' butt is learning to be a generous listener.
Being a generous listener means that you shut your mouth and listen when your partner is complaining. Before responding with a "Yeah but...", try repeating back to them what you heard them say to make sure you understand. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Try to feel their pain. Try to understand what they're going through.
When you listen and begin to practice empathy, it opens the door for a peaceful, loving resolution to be reached.
Stop complaining. Start listening.
I hope you enjoy the rest of the episode! It was a fun one to record!
Aaron Anderson is a Marriage and Family Therapist at The Marriage and Family Clinic just outside of Denver, Colorado. You can check out his blog, Relationship RX here or take a look at the stuff he's written on The Good Men Project. He's one of my favorites.
Most couples come in and say, "We have problems communicating." But communication typically isn't really the real reason for marriages that are struggling. There's typically something else going on in the relationship that's preventing them from having a deeper connection.
Me TV - Observe how you're showing up, how you're acting, and how you're responding. How is that affecting your relationship?
Humans are the only animals that can choose how they feel and think about and choose how to react.
Being a genuine, generous listener is what makes the biggest difference in conflict.
The importance of coming into a relationship "whole." What does it mean to be relationship ready? (15m)
Butterflies is not a good reason to marry someone.
You have more power in your relationship than you give yourself credit for! (17m)
Focus on yourself instead of your partner. Your happiness depends on you and how you treat yourself, not how your partner shows up for you.
Don't create the Victim Olympics to try to find out which partner is the one who is the most hurt! (21m)
There are two types of people... those who take on too much responsibility and those who don't take on enough responsibility.
The best queue to the quality of your relationship is how your spouse is showing up, reacting, and responding to you.
Relationships are a healing ground. They show us what our weaknesses are, and how we can grow and become better people.
Not getting divorced does not mean you have a good relationship.
Your relationship is just as important as your job, your car, your house, or anything else that requires training and maintenance. Invest in your relationship like you invest in your car (gas, oil changes, wiper blades = date night, read a book together, spend time together). (30m)
Relationship maintenance = Rekindle the spark
There's more than one person you can marry and be happy with. But that doesn't mean just marrying 1 person is a mistake. (37m)
What do you think are good grounds for divorce? (41m)
There's a difference between saying "My spouse won't change." and "I'm not patient enough to wait for my spouse to change."
"If my spouse changes, I'll divorce him." - Do you want your 50-year-old husband to act like he's 20? People are supposed to change. (45m)
What's your definition of love? (46m)
Where do babies come from?... ok, but really, do kids improve marriages? (48m)
Short term, having a kid really negatively affects marriage. Over the long-term, kids have a more positive affect on marriage.
Being a good parent is not the same as being a good spouse.
What advice would you give to men who want to be good husbands and boyfriends? (51m)
A real man does what he has to do to be a man... including being emotional and connected with your wife and kids.
Criticizing boys for being emotional, and sensitive, then being shocked when they become husbands and fathers who aren't in touch with their emotions. (55m)
Where Have All The Good Men Gone? -Post by Aaron on the conflicting messages we send to men.
Episode #57 with Lexie & Lune
[powerpress]The story of Lexie and Lune proves that no matter what the obstacle, no matter the distance, no matter the struggle, the culture gap, the language barrier, or the culture shock... love can always win if you fight for it.
I hope you enjoy their story!
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Episode #56 with Michelle and Rich
Pleasant Surprises
Michelle and Rich met at AA and have fallen more and more in love with each other as the years have gone by. Their love story is unlike any other that we've had here on the podcast... and I'm so glad it is.
One of the best gifts this podcast has given me is that it's made me aware of my prejudices (prejudice = pre-judging), and pushed me to get to know, love, and accept people I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Michelle and Rich fall into that category. At first glance, I would never have guessed they share the type of love they revealed to me in the back of a conference room in Austin, Texas last year at SXSW.
It's because of people like them that my perception of what is possible in love and relationships is constantly evolving and transforming. I'm so grateful for that, and for them.
Lovers Anonymous
One of the things I loved learning about in this episode is how the 12 Step Program has become a foundational principle for growth and change for Rich and Michelle throughout their marriage.
This conversation was one of the first conversations I'd ever had (in detail) about the 12 Step Program, how it works, and how it changes people.
What I learned is that it's a set of rules that help people take ownership and create change in their lives... and if there's one that's true about relationships, it's that they work best when rules are in place, and both partners hold themselves and each other accountable.
The problem many people see in relationships is that they get caught in - or addicted to - a behavioral pattern that is damaging to their relationship.
Helen Fisher - one of the scientists leading the charge on the study of love - even goes as far to say that, "Love is an addiction."
And when you have an addiction, you don't grow emotionally. You stagnate. You get stuck.
So, if you're feeling stuck in an area of your life, maybe this interview, and the 12 Steps (I've modified them a bit for relevancy) will be super helpful to you:
12 Steps
I admit I'm powerless over _______—that my life has become unmanageable in this area.
Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
Admitted to God, to myself, and to another human beings the exact nature of my wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons I have harmed, and be willing to make amends to them all.
Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong, promptly admit it.
Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I try to carry this message to those who are suffering, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.
Meeting at AA and conquering addiction
Evolving as individuals within a relationship to get past hurdles (gaining confidence, learning to be with each other, humility, etc.)
The power of 12 Step programs, and the importance of spiritual growth
Being responsible for your own thoughts, actions, and feelings... including your own happiness
The importance of being yourself and self-awareness
How prayer and meditation can transform your relationship
Learning to compromise - the 1-10 scale, how important is this to you?
The importance of maintaining a good reputation with your spouse, and playing by the rules you set
When you have an addiction, you don't grow emotionally
Being a man is doing what you say you'll do
Exploring personal sexuality
Episode #55 with Mike and Becky
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Being Grateful For Your Trials
Mike and Becky seem almost too good to be true... and that's why I love them.
One thing that stood out to me as I re-listened to this interview is the attitude Mike and Becky have towards each other, and the respect and esteem they have for their marriage.
Their marriage inspires them to be the best version of themselves.
I believe they feel so lucky to have each other and have so much respect for their marriage that it has completely changed how they experience life. They don't want to threaten or jeopardize something they deem so sacred, so they put an incredible effort to preserve and nurture everything that is good within their relationship... and they find ways to turn the trials into blessings.
It takes a special kind of person to be grateful for the good in life along with the bad. During the interview Mike mentioned how one of their biggest trials was when his wife was diagnosed with diabetes... then not 10 minutes later, Becky talks about what a blessing her illness has been, and how she's been able to use it to help, serve, and uplift other people struggling with the same disease.
There is a level of love that remarkable couples tend to reach that sets them apart from others. It's a realization that their relationship with each other extends beyond personal satisfaction. Their love carries beyond their partner. It even spreads beyond their children and immediate family.
Truly incredible couples realize that they way they love each other, and they way they respond to their trials and challenges can have an impact on their community and the world. They use their marriage as a catalyst to inspire and uplift others. They set themselves as examples and role models. They see the value in sharing their struggles, and uplifting those who are hurting and suffering.
The lesson I learned from Mike and Becky is that life is what you choose to make it.
What did you learn from this week's podcast? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
I hope you enjoyed our conversation with Mike and Becky. Here are some of the things we talk about in this episode, as well as some of the resources that were mentioned:
Waiting till marriage to have sex.
Burn the ships. Don't use the "Divorce" word.
Be grateful for each other and the work you do for each other
Child rearing conflicts. Good cop vs. Bad cop
The Love Monkey (holds love notes, and they'd hide him from each other)
When Becky got diabetes
Talking about sex with kids on their level
If you make it through one trial, you can be better prepared and stronger for the next one. There are no back doors.
Being grateful for the good and the bad
How much joy and excitement marriage can bring into your life
Finding your love language
Episode #54 with Sung & Christina
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Aaaaaand we're back!
A few weeks ago while updating my website I broke something and the podcast stopped working.
My good friend Mark helped me fix the podcast, improve the audio quality, and create a whole strategy around how the podcasts will be released down the road. He's even helped me strategize some awesome product that I'll be launching over the next few months. If you want him to help you out with a project or business you're working on, you can contact him here. He's for reals amazing.
Buckle up... and subscribe on iTunes here. I hope you enjoy this awesome chat with Christina and Sung.