A Blog About Love

Did you know September 26th is Love Note Day? In preparation for this lovely event, over the next week we are going to be featuring some of our favorite love notes, and love note projects... because love notes are awesome! If you share your enthusiasm for love notes, you should participate in our Last Love Letter Project. Help us spread the love.

---

One of my favorite love-themed blogs is A Blog About Love.

Part of what makes Danny and Mara's blog so special is how they've publicly documented their love story. They were introduced via email, and wrote each other back and forth throughout their courtship. The letters are sweet, honest, vulnerable, and a great window into the type of communication it required them to have to build the type of loving and healthy relationship that they now share.

Here are some of my favorites:

How It All Began

Mara and Danny were introduced via a mutual friend. He lived in Boston. She lived in New York City. Both had recently gone through divorces, but Danny's was more recent. It's obvious that they had chemistry after their first emails were exchanged.

Vulnerability

Before Danny and Mara had met in person, they had the chance to open up and be incredibly vulnerable with each other. They affirm that that vulnerability was and is a blessing in their marriage. This set of letters shows the sense of relief and joy they both experienced at feeling fully accepted and loved... especially after both having gone through difficult divorces.

It's obvious that they hadn't yet broken the "I Love You" barrier, but they were both feeling it. It's funny to watch them say how much they love about the other person without actually saying the 3 little words.

I Love You

Yup. They drop the "L-bomb." It was fate that these two would come together through their hardships.

Not to mention this:

Will this not be the absolutely coolest set of emails to look back on/share with our kids?

Reading these letters made me realize how important it is to document our lives... especially the good parts. Love letters are such a fantastic way to relive some of our most beautiful moments. They stand as a testament of how we feel about the people we love most.

How powerful to have a physical manifestation of love.

Life is short. If you love someone, let them know... and don't forget to take part in Love Letter Day, and participate in the Last Love Letter Project.

---

We've launched our Kickstarter campaign! Please contribute and help us spread the word:

[jbutton link="http://kck.st/1aYSDOd" halign="center" size="xxlarge" color="green" rounded="no"]Click To Donate![/jbutton]

When Love Arrives... What Will You Do?

Sarah Kaye and Phil Kaye wrote and performed this poem about the expectations and realities of love. They beautifully describe the evolution of love, our shifting and maturing expectations, and our attitude towards love found... and lost. It's a beautiful piece. You will be better for watching it.

Episode 22 - Porn Addiction

[powerpress]

For the record, this podcast and this blog post is neither pro-porn nor anti-porn. It's simply an effort to educate those who consume porn on the potential side effects of its consumption.

---

Holy crap we're talking about porn!

Yup, Porn... that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention.

For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering... buffering... buffering...

Always on the lookout for that perfect scene.

Watching for something new and exciting.

Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy.

People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn't hurting anyone.

I've been one of those people.

I've been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I've been the guy who said, "I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem." I've been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I've felt unwanted because, as I've heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, "Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?"

There are countless people who feel stuck. They're hooked and they don't even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love.

Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, "You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I'm just really happy with our relationship. I think we're really going places."

We have a problem. It's time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.

Is Porn Addictive?

The difficult thing with porn is that - relative to most other addictive substances - it has only recently become highly accessible to the public. People have been studying the side effects of tobacco, alcohol, drugs, and prescription medications for decades. Although not a new invention, porn's sudden ease of access makes it a brand new, and unique threat for the digital generation.

It's a threat because most people who consume porn are not educated about the potential side effects. We've been educated to know that smoking causes cancer, drinking causes liver and heart disease, and your brains can turn to scrambled eggs when on drugs.

But there's no warning attached to pornography. And people consume it and are ignorant to the addiction they're feeding until it's too late.

Nobody tells you it can negatively impact your sex drive and even cause early onset erectile disfunction.

Nobody tells you it can alter your brain chemistry.

Nobody explains how it gives you incredibly unrealistic expectations regarding what healthy sex looks like.

I'm not saying that nobody should look at porn.

What I am saying is that there needs to be more education, research, and information available to those who choose to consume it so that people can make informed decisions. (Which is one of the reasons you should listen to the podcast above. We chat about the negative effects of porn, treatment, and how to support someone you love who may have an addiction.)

If we remain ignorant, and continue to refuse to talk about difficult or uncomfortable things, we leave a generation of people ill-equipped to deal with the ever-changing challenges their reality has in store for them.

Do yourself a favor. Learn about porn. Understand what it's capable of. Teach your friends and family members. Help our society make responsible and educated decisions about sex and any form of addictive substance.

Let's not wallow in unnecessary pain because of our own ignorance.

[jbox title="Show Notes:" border="5" radius="15"] How Kids Learn About Sex: Heres the video by Betony Vernon explaining how we're raising a generation of children with skewed perceptions regarding healthy sexuality because of our unwillingness to address a taboo topic in a healthy way.

Protect Yourself: Need some good recommendations for filtration software, education, or support for an addiction? Check out the Fight The New Drug website.

How porn affected Maria's relationship:

Maria's Story: "Pornography affected my relationship" from Fight the New Drug on Vimeo.

[/jbox]

The Paranoia of Not Being A Good Dad

The leaders of every generation continuously set out to become better than the generation of their fathers. We stive to improve upon their failures and shortcomings. We want to provide our children with more opportunity and a better education, shield our families from the pains we suffered, be more attentive, patient, involved, supportive, healthy, eco-friendly, and tolerant and less bigoted, work-obsessed, over-protective, close-minded, and all the other hyphenated words you can imagine up.

The pressure we put on ourselves and each other to rise above and build upon what we've been given is daunting.

I don't know about you, but I was never given a manual or a training course for how to be an ideal spouse or father. This makes taking the obvious next step in my life an incredibly intimidating one. I mean, if you fail a class in your youth, you can beg for extra credit, or worst-case scenario, retake it. Lose your job? Good thing you're still a dependent of your parents.

There's no real safety net as an adult. Get married and find out you're a crappy spouse? Or worse... find out you're married to one? Tough luck. Work it out, or be branded with the mark of divorce.

Don't spend enough time with your kids? Spend too much time being a helicopter parent? Don't give them enough opportunity? Overwhelm them with too many extra-curriculars? Discipline them too much? Don't provide them enough freedom to act as individuals?

Too bad. You can't un-make your decisions. You can only do the best you can with what experience you've been handed and the resources you have available.

So, what do you do to overcome that fear? How do you come to terms with the fact that your best may not be good enough? How do you stare failure in the face every day, and conquer it?

[Video Transcript] "She's something that we both created. We both still marvel at her. It's most obvious on a song called Jay Z Blue. And it deals with, you know, like, my pop left when I was young, so he didn't teach me how to be a man nor how to raise a child or treat a woman. So of course, with my karma, they're the two things I don't have, right? And I have a daughter. It's the paranoia of not being a great dad."

All Single Dads Are Criminals

I remember that look. The peering eyes of ice-cold judgment, with just a hint of disgust. He reached for his cell phone like he was about to call 911 while his hateful stare pierced through me. He was making direct eye contact like he knew what I had just done. Everything was dirty. There was a seriously foul smell in the air, and flies that were boldly landing directly on my skin, and that of the innocent little 6-year-old girl in pigtails I took to this disgusting place.

I had to get out of there before anybody else could see me with her. So I grabbed that cute little blonde who was still wearing only her bathing suit and made my escape, narrowly avoiding a situation that was sure to escalate. I didn’t want any trouble, I did what I had come to do.

This feeling of shame is one I’ve felt more than once.

This particular time, I was on a daddy-daughter vacation with my kiddo in San Diego, when all of the sudden I *really* had to use the restroom. It was just me and her, and a filthy public bathroom by the beach.

Being a dad didn’t come with a handbook, and neither do daughters. Every time we were out in public and there was no family restroom, I was faced with the question, men’s bathroom or women’s? Either I take her into a women’s restroom and look like a pervert, or take her into the men’s... and look like a pervert.

I’m sure my own shiftiness and level of discomfort projected a different image. Here I am, trying to be the best dad in the world. I’m trying to show her every major kid experience she can dream of: DisneyLand, SeaWorld, camping, fishing, ocean kayaking, Ice Capades... freaking Taylor Swift concert. I’m doing all kinds of things I would never imagine myself doing, and often doing them wrong. This list also includes occasionally invading the women’s restroom, or taking my own daughter into a men’s bathroom stall while I did my business (mind you, I taught her to face the other way — I’m classy like that).

Am I sure if that’s the correct way to do things? Absolutely not. I will be honest, I have no idea. I watch moms effortlessly shuffle their little boys into the women’s restroom as they get "oohs" and "ahhs" and kids get handed lollipops for being such grown-ups, while my daughter is faced with the equivalent of an occasionally smelly timeout and a bunch of angry men hating on her dad. Even women give me “the look.” They stare in disbelief that I am allowed to be escorting a minor (without an adult companion or chaperone with less testosterone) or even running a background check first to make sure I was clean.

But I muscled through these experiences for the sake of my daughter. I made countless mistakes, always with the best intentions. I’m not a criminal; I’m just a single dad struggling to figure out the best way to do things, same as all you moms.

So what’s the point of this incredibly long prelude? Is it just to make the point that gender inequality which cuts both ways needs to stop? Is a cry against our male-dominant society? Or simply an attempt to have more family bathrooms installed on beaches?

Queue Chuck Testa: “Nope.”

The point is that we all make mistakes and are judged by other’s perceptions of us. But as long as you’re trying your best and always have positive intent, and LOVE is your driving force, these situations pale in comparison to the positive experiences that come from your actions. As a single dad, you can’t let your own fear of how people will judge you stop you from being a badass dad.

My daughter doesn’t even recall these horrific memories, which I’ve been scarred by. Those times when I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but I made judgment calls based on what I thought was best at the time. She remembers getting splashed by Shamu while wearing light up earrings with her dad. She remembers burying her dad in the sand up to his head. She remembers how beautifully terrifying the ocean can be when you’re in a 2-person canoe.

Women have dealt with gender inequality since the Paleo diet was mistakenly invented. As a man, and as a father, showing my daugher how to handle this obstacle with dignity and strength is just as important as showing her the world and just enjoying being with her.

So I fought against my own social anxiety and through that hate being projected at me, looked that man in the eye and said “It’s Friday, and it’s a beautiful day for a daddy daughter vacation. ‘Don’t nobody go in the bathroom for about thry-fi, fowty-fi minutes. Somebody open a winda.”

The guy’s demeanor quickly changed. He chuckled, my daughter and I ran back to our sand castle, and I avoided getting arrested.

But seriously, they really should have more family bathrooms in public places.

[jbox title="About The Author" border="5" radius="15"] Chris Hooley is an master of the interwebs, a good friend, a hilarious writer, and most importantly, an amazing single dad to his fantastic daughter. You can follow him on the Twitters here. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you![/jbox]

My Most Terrifying Secret

Self-pity and self-loathing are running rampant and crippling some of the most incredible people this world has to offer. For me, self loathing typically sprouts its evil soul-destroying tendrils in my heart when I’ve done something incredibly dumb and I’m petrified that someone else might find out. The shame for my foolish decisions sets into my abdomen like a cold frost, then eats away at my heart like ravenous honey badger. I become consumed with a genuine fear that the revelation of my secret will devistate the people in this world that I love the most.

So, I bury my past. I find a deep dark pit in my soul where I can bury my icky parts. I live alone with my secrets in this darkness.

Most of us who have endured the pain of self-loathing and shame do so in a state of emotional solitary confinement. We suffer in secret because of a fear of how the people we love will react when they learn who we truly are.

We turn the people we love into involuntary participants in our shame.

The day I realized this, I recognized how unfair this was to my loved ones, and to myself. I was spending hours wallowing in private misery over feelings and conversations that hadn’t - and may not ever come to pass.

With this new knowledge, self-love has become a process of learning to carefully expose the things I have hidden in the darkness to the light and love of others. As I’ve learned that I am capable of being loved and accepted by others, even while standing naked before them (metaphorically, of course) with my fears, doubts, and insecurities completely exposed, learning to love myself has become incredibly rewarding.

Conquering shame and self-pity and replacing it with self-love (just like any other form of love) starts with taking that giant leap into vulnerability.

That leap into vulnerability requires raw, unadulterated courage.

It requires staring your most personal demons in the face. It means the potential of causing pain and suffering to the people you love and yearn to protect.

You must invite your loved ones to be the heroes who can help you slay your demons rather than the chains that bind you to your emotional prison. You never know. They may just surprise you.

In the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’m offer you one of my vulnerabilities. Something that I’ve had stored up inside me for a long long time. It’s a secret that very few people know about me.

I’m currently going through a crisis of faith.

I was raised in a very religious household in a very religious community, and over the past few years have begun to experience doubts and feelings of estrangement from my life-long faith…

And I’m terrified.

I’m terrified that I’ll be judged and condemned. Terrified of the potential my doubt has to disappoint or insult my deeply devout family. Terrified that this will all but eradicate my chance of being a desirable spouse. Terrified of the possibility of eternal suffering caused by my choice to willingly stray from the path of a God I’ve always claimed to know, love, and follow.

I don’t know what this doubt means about me at my core as a person, or what it means about my future. I don’t know how it will affect my most cherished relationships. But I know that I can’t carry it alone.

So now you know. And now (if the people close to me read this, which they probably will) they know. It’s time for me to start shining a light into that darkness and falling in love with my icky parts.

I invite you to do the same.

Thanks for Reading!

I originally published this post here, but I decided it was worth it to share it with you with the hope that it will help you feel a little less alone. If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by, I love you!

Love's Counterfeit

Have you ever fallen hard for someone - like, really hard for someone - and they just didn't feel the same way about you? It's the worst! Especially when there's no sane reason this person shouldn't like us back.

Our minds start racing for an explanation...

"What's wrong with me? Am I just broken? What is it that I'm missing that he/she wants? What can I do to be 'good enough'?"

We can spend hours dwelling on awkward moments from the past, and missed opportunities. We ache for some sort of acknowledgement. We yearn for any sign that our unobtainable lover still thinks of us, even if it's a simple "like" of one Instagram photo or a text message.

We daydream about them. We create and recreate fantasies in our heads of what could or should have happened. We try to reason out why the "right" things never came to pass. We hold onto these feelings for weeks, months... even years. We sit and mull over this person - the one who got away. Some of us even resort to fantasizing that one day (after the early death or "unfortunate" breakup with their current significant other) we'll get another chance.

We can't let them go, because we are so madly, and deeply in love with them...

WRONG!

Ok, I hate to break it to you, but what was described above is not love. This type of over-the-top, unrealistic, intense, borderline-crazy feelings for one person is called obsession... one that we have all been guilty of (at least to a small degree) at one time or another. It's rooted in our own feelings of inadequacy and a deep-seated need for validation and approval.

Obsession almost seems to be romanticized in media. Pining over someone for years is constantly portrayed as sweet or even noble in film. When we obsess, it's common to be completely blinded by our obsession until another 'better' person provides a wakeup call... and even then we can remain in brainwashed ignorance.

Love is not a need for approval, or acceptance. Love is accepting someone because of their innate human flaws and imperfection. Love can only be given, not taken. Love is selfless. It's a desire for the happiness of others, not selfish and longing for validation or self-fulfillment.

"Loving someone means we don't need them but instead we want to share our lives with them, and most importantly we want to support them on their life' journey. That means giving them the foundation to let them go and be whatever is going to allow them to grow as people and to fully experience life. There is a huge difference from "you have to stay with me no matter what" or "you can't do this to me" to "I'm here loving you; go try out life".

In obsessive relationships it is all about us not the other person. And in a strange way, even though these relationships are all about us, we have no power. By needing someone we give our power away and sometimes the recipients can be quite cruel; a game that gets set up: I give you my life and you can abuse it because the truth is I'm needy and you resent me for that."

-Deborah Calla, The Difference Between Love and Obsession

We must let go of the idea that the elusive person we always wanted but never had is the only way to feel like we are "enough." We need to stop mistaking obsession for love. It's time to love ourselves and be confident that we are "enough" regardless of whether the person we care about most loves us back or not.

As Leo Buscaglia so beautifully put it, "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."

If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you'd subscribe to the blog or the free podcast, and share it with your friends using the icons below. Thanks again for dropping by!

You Are My Sunshine

You Are My Sunshine | The Loveumentary

I was going to write a post about this, but I don't think anything I can say will do it justice. Can't we all just work for this?

A tender moment with my parents while my dad is in the hospital.

Here's the story from the original poster:

"This is my gramps in recovery from a hip replacement. He broke his hip helping an widowed neighbor who had slipped on the ice and he slipped too. Not the wisest choice given his age, but that's just who he is, always wants to help. This was a particularly hard time for him because he had just recovered from a surgery for bladder cancer a few months earlier. I'm happy to say he seems in high spirits whenever I go and play Phase 10 or Five Crowns with him and my grandma... they are an amazing couple. I wasn't sure if the internet would enjoy this vid as much as our family does, but it seems to be helping people feel the love which is all I could hope for."

Share it if you like it. Subscribe or follow on Facebook for more lovely stuff like this.