How Picasso's $179 Million Painting Can Transform Your Marriage
In his lifetime, it’s estimated that Picasso created roughly 50,000 works of art. That’s nearly 2 pieces every day!
It’s easy to assume Picasso’s greatness came as a result of raw talent, a natural gift, or his unique style. But the reality is that the reason Picasso is probably one of 5 famous painters you can name off the top of your head, and the reason his paintings sell for millions, is because he was relentlessly dedicated to his craft.
Thomas Edwards and Laurie Davis
How to get the love you want and give the love they need!
In this episode I sit down with Vienna Pharaon, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of New York City.
We have an awesome conversation about John Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. We talk about controlling our personal narratives. We discuss assuming positive intent, and having a low negativity threshold (you'll learn about both of those principles in the middle of the show).
Vienna is sweet, knowledgable, and wonderful. I hope you enjoy the insights she brought to this conversation! Check out her incredible Instagram profile, and her website.
SHOW NOTES
Vienna Pharaon is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of New York, practicing out of New York City, conveniently located near Grand Central Station. Vienna received her Master of Science in Marriage & Family Therapy from Northwestern University, and trained extensively at The Family Institute, Bette D. Harris Center. There she treated individuals, couples, and families in a clinic setting. Vienna also received training at Family Focus, a community outreach program, providing community-, home-, and clinic-based therapeutic services for individuals and families.
2:30 - Introduction to Vienna
4:00 - "Getting the love you want doesn't mean giving the kind of love that you want to get. "Do unto others the way you would like them to do unto you."
5:00 - You can give love and your partner can still say, "I don't feel loved by you." There are different types of love to give and receive.
6:45 - How much responsibility do we have in getting the love we want?
7:45 - The myths of "If it's true love, we should just 'get' each other." And "I shouldn't have to ask for what I want."
10:40 - How do you consciously change your inner narrative?
12:37 - Why is it important to change your mindset from "I don't deserve" to "I do deserve"?
16:30 - 25:00 - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that will destroy your marriage
17:45 - Without communicating effectively you just can't have a successful relationship. There's no way to get and give the love that you want if you can't ask for it, or hear what your partner needs.
25:59 - Assuming good intent is crucial. You need to assume that your partner means well even when they're doing something irritating or hurtful.
27:40 - When you assume malintent, you're almost always wrong. Unless you have a horrible partner, they're probably not out to get you and make your life horrible.
28:58 - You're more likely to be heard when you come from a place of kindness and understanding instead of anger and resentment. You can't get love if you're assuming malintent.
30:47 - Low Negativity Threshold: Why "Choose your battles," or "Just let the little things roll off your shoulders," is terrible advice.
32:00 - The happiest couples talk about the things that bother them (without making them a big deal) and get them resolved.
36:15 - It's important to learn to honor the "alone," and to develop a sense of love and belonging within yourself rather than the "I'll love you if you love me" mentality.
38:50 - Just because someone gives you love in a way that's not your love language doesn't mean you can't receive it graciously.
41:21 - It's scary to go down a road with someone that you've been down before and been hurt. You need to lean to create a positive narrative in your head that the person you're with will be there for you in a way nobody else has been in the past.
42:35 - "Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time." -Maya Angelou
The secret agreements that sabotage your relationship
Are You Settling For Less In Your Marriage?
The thing you do that instantly kills connection... and how to stop it
Seriously. What's the point of marriage?
What Power Couples Do That Average Couples Completely Miss
The Ultimate "Love Hack"
A few weeks ago I ran a secret love test on my wife.
In one week I bought her flowers. I wrote her a sincere love note. I planned a fun date. I did all her least-favorite chores. And every day I came home from work I pinned her against the wall and planted a long (at least 10 seconds), passionate kiss right on her mouth.
At the end of the week I asked her which of those things meant the most to her.
“Oh, it was absolutely the kiss!” my wife exclaimed.
I was blown away.
“Really?! A kiss takes 10 seconds and you appreciate that more than me doing the dishes or spending $10 on flowers (thanks Costco)?”
“Oh, most definitely.”
I found my wife's “Love Hack” – the shortcut to filling her love tank to the brim.
What fills your love tank faster than anything else?
What is the thing that when your partner does it you think, “Dang, I love that human so much!”
Maybe your love tank gets filled to the brim with a good cuddle, by going for a long walk together, by being given some alone time, time to get a massage or spend time with friends, or by your partner making a meal for you.
My love tank gets filled to the brim when someone gives me sincere words of praise. I love it when people tell me how much I mean to them. (Hint: If you want to make my day, reply to this email and tell me if you appreciate these emails I send out.)
Does your partner know Love Hack? Do you know theirs?
Think how much better life would be if you openly shared your Love Hack the people you love. And what if they shared theirs with you too? You made a small effort every day to exploit each other’s Love Hacks and keep that love tank full.
Your mission for today is to share your Love Hack with the person you love and invite them to share theirs with you. Then make a plan to use the information to your advantage!
-Nate
P.S. I’d love to hear how this goes for you. What’s your Love Hack? What’s your partners? Leave your thoughts in the comments!
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